Unfinished Business (Pt 1)

When people come in for counseling, I’m constantly looking for their “unfinished business”. One of the most common types of unfinished business within people is unfinished grief. 

There are many reasons that people don't start or continue to fully grieve at the time of a loss. One of these reasons could be family background. If it wasn't normal to grieve in the family or culture you grew up in, your grieving may be inhibited simply because it's not normal for you—it’s written on your heart that way.  Another reason we can be inhibited is shame. Many people are ashamed to grieve freely and fully. I have found that shame (“I’m bad if I do this or did that”) comes in many forms.  A dad could have taught his sons that real men don’t cry.  A parent could have told their child, “I’ll give you something to cry about.” Someone who was abused could have finally vowed: “I won’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry.” There are other reasons grief is stifled, but I hope you get the point.  Many things can hinder or block crying and grieving, and this is a vital part of living a healthy life.

There was a study back in the 1980’s where a group of people were given onions to chop up, and most or all of them cried.  They analyzed those tears and found them to simply be salt and water.  The same group were shown a sad movie and those who cried had tears collected.  These tears were full of toxins—things the body needed to expunge.  

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. — Psalms 126:5  

The Bible teaches “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NLT). I often tell people that another way of saying this is looking at it from the OPPOSITE perspective: “God does NOT bless those who DON’T mourn, for they will NOT be comforted.”  Remember, Jesus came for those who NEED Him and seek Him.  When we acknowledge our need, He is there for us. When we deny our need for help, we are turning away from Him instead of toward Him.  

In further posts we will talk about how to break through some of those barriers, but we need to identify and define what grieving is first. I have found that the five classic stages of grieving do teach us a lot. They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial is—I came to understand a few years ago—rebellion from reality.  It's very natural when a tragedy occurs to resist the reality of what has happened at first.  This can come in the form of numbness, not wanting to talk about the loss, putting pictures away, or other forms of denial.  In the beginning of grieving, denial can serve to help me slowly move into the next stages of grief, but ultimately denial delays the inevitable need to progress through the stages of grief.

Anger is the next stage, but think of these next three stages as a circle you have to move through and in and out of to finally get to the purest stage—the sadness or depression itself.  You may be angry at the people involved in the loss, angry at yourself, or angry at God (though many are reluctant to acknowledge this last one especially).  Remember, anger is a reaction to a perceived injustice.  As you process this anger, you need to come to discern the hurt and any lack of forgiveness you may have.  Sooner or later you need to release this, forgive, and often accept forgiveness for yourself.

Bargaining can be a confusing term, but it simply means you are trying to “bargain” with yourself, others  or God to figure this loss out in a logical way.  You are trying to make sense of something that you often are not be able to make sense of—think of Job from the bible.  We try to make sense of the timing, the diagnosis, the “why’s and the why nots?” Bargaining is part of the process of integrity coming into the grieving process.  If I’m honest, I have these questions, doubts, confusion, blame, guilt, etc. that I need to own and get out in the open, but it’s not the end of grieving.  Bargaining won’t ultimately bring me peace.  And remember, the mind is only 1/3 of the soul.

Please come back for Unfinished Business Part 2.